My Chosen Children

Sexual Abuse in Children

Last night’s training had a section on parenting a sexually abused child.  It truly bothers me… a lot, that 1 in every 4 girls are sexually abused with a large percentage happening between the ages of 8 and 12.  Boys fare a little better, only 1 in 7 boys are sexually abused.  I knew it happened, I’ve been around awhile but 1 out of every 4? What are people thinking?  An 8 year old girl is not much more than a baby!

The American Psychological Association states that “a central characteristic of any abuse is the dominant position of an adult that allows him or her to force or coerce a child into sexual activity.”  What makes me the angriest is this is usually someone that they know and should be able to trust.  How would you ever trust anyone if your father or your uncle used their power to sexually abuse you?

How would you feel if you found out that the man in your life was abusing your child when he tucked her into bed and read her a story?  Or your baby sitter’s boyfriend?  Or your neighbor?  Better than that, how would you even find out?  The child is unlikely to tell you as they have usually been threatened, guilted, bribed into secrecy.  The man in your life is unlikely to say “Oh by the way… ”

The only way you will find out is if you are aware of the signs of abuse.  Children who have been sexually abused may have many problems from it.  Depression, anxiety, regressing to an earlier age (bed wetting, thumb sucking, etc), guilt, fear, withdrawal and acting out.  One of the strongest indicators of sexual abuse is a child with inappropriate knowledge of sexual acts, sexual interest, and sexual acting out by that child.

The best defense, in this case, is a good offense.  There is a great list of tips to help protect your children at the APA website.  The biggest one is to teach your children about their bodies.  Let them know that it is not ok for anyone to touch their private parts even an adult.  Most important of all, if your child is reluctant or afraid to visit or spend time with an adult, pay attention, talk to them and listen.  Believe them!

If you suspect sexual abuse in your own child or any child, report it and make sure that your child gets therapy.  Sexual abuse can have effects that reach into adulthood.  It is not something to try to deal with on your own.

A good deal of our training centers on exploring our own feelings about abused children, their behaviors and about the family of the children.  We do quite a few exercises relating to how we feel about certain cases and how we would react.  It really does make you think about what you might be faced with when you have foster children or any children for that matter.

Geesh, 1 in 4!  So those 20 cute little girls standing in line for lunch, 5 of them have been sexually abused!  FIVE out of 20, 20 out of 100!  Can you tell how I feel?

How To Become A Foster Parent Series - The Decision

One of my readers suggested that I do a series on how to become a foster parent. This can only be a general guide to the steps involved with some specifics based on my state. Your own state may have different regulations and steps so if you are interested, you can click here for more state specific information.

The first step to becoming a foster parent is to really think about your life and your goals. Foster care is more involved than having your own children but it is just as rewarding and sometimes more so. Depending on the type of care that you choose, you may be involved in monitoring parental visits, going to therapists, court dates, doctors, IEP meetings at the school. This is not the case with every foster child but some or all of the above are a part of foster care in general.

When a child enters foster care, there is a goal worked out for them. The goal can be reunification with their biological parents and if so, then the parents will probably be working through the plan given them by the court and their case worker. The child’s goal may be to go to a family member at some point and again, if so, there will probably be visitation during foster care. The last goal would be for the child to be adopted and this would mean fostering them until they found their forever family. In the case of an older teen, their goal may be to learn the skills needed to live and prosper independently. The child’s goals can change at any time along the way from one to another.

Those are the child’s goals. Your own goals need to be just as clear to you because it will make a difference in the type of foster care you choose to do. Are you considering adding a child to your home on a permanent basis? If so, you may want to look into the foster to adoption programs. In most cases these children are legally available for adoption although some may still have a possibility of reunification with their bio parents.

If you would rather work with younger children and babies on a more temporary basis, you will probably want to contact your local Department of Social Services. They work with children when they are first entering the foster care system. These children may need care for a few weeks or months while their parents get their lives straightened out. They can also be a more long term placement based on their individual situation.

If you don’t feel up to the challenges of dealing with young children, consider taking in an older child or teen. Many people’s lifestyle are more accommodating to an older child that may be more independent. Many, many private agencies are looking for foster homes and provide training and support for their foster families. If you do an internet search for foster care and include your state name, you will find many state and national agencies or you can go to the Adopt Us Kids website and they will send you a list.

If you choose to do traditional foster care, you will be caring for children on a non-permanent basis. This means caring for them and loving them and then letting go. Some foster parents find this the most difficult part of foster care. It is admittedly hard to give so much to a child and then see them go back to their parents where they may still be at risk.

If you choose to do therapeutic foster care, you will be working with children who have special needs. The definition of special needs varies by state. In my state it means that they either have developmental, emotional or physical issues, are part of a sibling group or are an older child. These children need a home and a family to call their own. When they are grown, they need an anchor of love to keep them grounded.

I hope that this has provided a basis for considering becoming a Foster Parent. If you have room in your home and your heart, you can make an incredible difference in the life of a child. These kids deserve a chance to grow up in a safe and loving home. Could that home be yours?

I Have a Secret: The Girls

I have a secret but I have decided that maybe writing about it or rather them, will help me work it out.  I was researching something on the internet and honestly, I don’t even remember what it was.  Somehow I ended up on Adoption.com’s photolisting of children available for adoption.

I was browsing through the kids in my state and reading their stories.  I clicked on Next and there they were; my girls.  I guess I should say the girls but I have read their profile and looked at their pictures so often that I have really begun to feel like they are mine.    It was their pictures that started me on this journey back into foster parenting.

I have been telling myself over and over again that I don’t think I could handle two twin girls with severe developmental issues by myself.  I have researched autism as if they don’t have autism, the description is of something remarkably similar.  I have told myself that I am too old, too ADD, too….

I don’t seem to be listening.  I did decide that I wanted to go back into foster parenting.  Dreaming about the girls made me realize that children is what is missing in my life.  I started looking into foster care and I quit going out to adoption.com to look at their profile.

I have never felt like God was sending me a message before so this is kind of new to me.  I decided that it was about foster care and so I explored it and ended up back in training.  Apparently that is not enough because I was researching foster care laws in my state and ended up on Adoptuskids.org and who was staring at me off the screen but my two girls.

I still don’t think I can handle them alone.  I still think I am too old to give them the kind of lifelong committment they may need.  I sent in a request through adopt us kids last week.  They sent me a list of Social Service agencies in my state and said get a homestudy.  Ok, yes, I knew they were going to say this. My hope was that they would send me the agency who had the girls so I could get more information.

Today I sent an email to my contact at the Department of Social Services.  I asked if she could find out any information on the girls.  I have talked to her a couple of times about foster care and really got along well with her.  So I guess now I will wait and see.

I would really like to find out more about their challenges.  I’d like to see if I might be able to handle it.  I’d like to reach out and hug them.  Regardless of what happens, I will always think of them as my girls even if I never meet them.  They hold a place in my heart and they have already made a difference in my life.

Conversations About Foster Care

I have had a couple of interesting conversations over the past couple of weeks.  The first was with the Child Protective Services case worker at my local DSS.  I called to inquire about their need for foster homes as I am still debating on whether to take younger children or teenagers.   She told me that if I was interested I should send her a flyer.  Yup, a flyer!

The person who handled foster homes left DSS recently and the CPC worker was covering her position as well.  She said to include information about me and what type of children I was willing to take.  I asked her about an application and she told me that there wasn’t one but that I would have to have a background investigation.  I am still scratching my head about this as I really thought that you had to go through an approval process similar to what the agency did with a homestudy.

I sent her an email with my information as well as the ages of children I was willing to foster.  She called the next day with a few questions and that was that.  I still believe that there is an approval process that foster homes have to go through.  I guess I can either wait and see what happens or pursue it further with another locality.

My second conversation was with a friend of a friend who adopted through foster care.  She did in fact go through an application and approval process but they were looking to adopt and I know that is a little more involved.  She has two adopted children after raising 7 bio children.

It was interesting to hear about her second adopted daughter.  She came to them when she was 4.  You would think that would be young enough not to have any deep rooted emotional problems but R said that she really struggled with a few.  R is a very active talker, her hands move the entire time and the child would flinch like she was going to be hit for the longest time.  And at 4 years old, she wasn’t potty trained.

That by itself took some time to get through.  It is harder to potty train an older child.  They already have built habits and if you add the developmental delays to it, well, let’s just say it’s hard.  R says that she still has problems with bedwetting and if the child gets upset she regresses.

R suggested that I call the DSS in her county which is also the county where I work.  The foster care worker there is supposed to be very knowledgeable.  I have it on my list of things to do in the coming weeks.  I have to say that it is really nice to talk with someone who has been through it all.

Only 3 more classes until I have completed training.  We should finish up on the 14th except for the Crisis Intervention training which keeps getting put off.  I still have to schedule my physical and tb test.  That is on my list for the next week as well.  Next week is looking like a full week!

It’s Worse Than Being Pregnant

Now that I have made the decision to have children again, the waiting is killing me.  It’s only been a little over a month and I am already champing at the bit.  I think that the reason I started this blog was to give myself something productive to do while I finish training, homestudy, etc.

So many questions are going through my mind.  Will it be a girl or a boy?  I don’t really have a preference as I had 2 of each of my own.  How old will they be?  Should I start getting toys for younger children or stocking up on games for an older child?  At least when you are pregnant, you know it is going to be a BABY!

I have started collecting furniture for the kids rooms.  I have to go pick up 2 beds that someone gave me from the Freecycle list.  Then I just need dressers for one room and I will be set.  I don’t want to go too crazy as I am sure that my son or daughter will want to have some say over their room decorations but at the same time, I want it to be welcoming and cozy.

When you are pregnant, you may question whether you will be a good parent but you don’t usually have to worry about whether the baby will like you.  Do the children realize that we worry as much about whether they will like us and our home as they do?  Do other foster parents worry about whether the kids will like you or is it just me?

Yes, I am all a twitter today.  I am not good at waiting, I want to DO SOMETHING! I have been searching out foster care and adoption blogs and I thought I would share some of them.  I post these with a word of warning, if you are the least bit interested, you cannot read just one post.  I find myself reading for HOURS.

Never A Dull Moment — With 12 kids in the house, I can easily believe that there is never a dull moment.  This will give you some insight into being a foster parent.

Adopting Through Foster Care a wonderful, sad, happy blog that tells the story of two moms and their foster daughter Niblet.  This one will break your heart but it also gives you a good idea of what it’s like to work “in the system.”

I am going to close with that as I just spent over an hour reading.  I need sleep…

10 Ways to Change A Lifetime in Less Than An Hour

In honor of National Foster Care Month, I will be publishing a series of lists of ways that everyone can help to change a lifetime. Not everyone can be a foster parent but anyone can make a difference in a foster child’s life. The following is a list of things that take less than an hour of your time.

1. Learn the facts about Foster Care in the US.
2. Send a “Shout of Encouragement” to a foster child or a foster alumni.
3. Let your Congressman know that kids are waiting and that you support the kinship caregiver support act.
4. Spread the word! Grab the logo above and link to http://fostercaremonth.org on your website.
5. Donate goods such as suitcases, musical instruments, books, clothing and school supplies to a child in foster care.
6. Wear a blue ribbon during the month of May to show your support for children in foster care.
7. Write a letter to the editor of your local newspaper or a blog post about National Foster Care Month. If you know someone who is making a difference to a foster child, write about them.
8. Make a short presentation on Foster Care to your church group or civic organization. Ask them to support local foster caregivers.
9. Send a care package to a foster care alumni in college.
10. Read the Success Stories of former foster children who are making a positive difference in the world and be inspired!

Please help to spread the word by stumbling, digging or submitting this post on social bookmarking sites.  Thanks!

I hope that you will take a few minutes and learn a little more about foster care and maybe even become inspired to Change A Lifetime! There’s more to come!

Does PRIDE Training Really Prepare You?

Obviously my initial 4 or 5 hours of training did not prepare me for dealing with a preteen boy with multiple physical and emotional issues. The training I am going through now is much more in depth and has addressed some of the needs of a child who has attachment issues but I still wonder if it goes far enough.

I’m not going to sugar coat the doubts that I have. I believe that if you don’t question yourself then you really won’t be prepared for the issues you may encounter in caring for these children who have been through so much. I listen to the people in my class and I see myself 5 years ago. Wonderful caring people who want to make a difference in a child’s life but who really aren’t understanding the challenges in raising a special needs child.

Statements such as… “No kid is going to get up in my face. They will go right back the first time.” or “Oh no, no, I’m not going to have a child lying to me. There is just no reason to lie.” Or, “I’ll just play video games with them. It worked with my own kids.”

These are not bad people, they are wonderful, caring people who just don’t ‘get it’ yet. I know the instructor is trying to prepare them slowly. We went over discipline last night and the instructor was pretty honest about the level of anger that some of the kids experience and why they go through it. It’s the first time that he has actually gone much into behavior issues.

And of course, I am judging by my own experience with J but I have to remember that all children are different. They may not all react with so much anger, defiance and indifference. Maybe I am being negative but then I would rather be prepared this time. If I had known how to respond earlier then the outcome might have been different. So I make a pain of myself in class. I question everything until I am sure that I understand it.

Things I would like to see included in PRIDE training:

• Current Experienced Foster Parents - Their input could make the training so ‘real’ and could bring in some perspective of therapeutic foster care.

• Teen Issues– the teenage years are challenging for any child and it seems that most of training is focused on younger children. What specific issues might a foster child have during this age? How to deal with peer issues, etc.

• Special Needs — They tell us that we will be fostering special needs children but they never really go into what those might be. An introduction to some of them would be helpful.

Was there anything that you wish had been covered in training?

My Foster Care Story Begins

I decided about a month ago that I wanted to do foster care again. I miss having children in my life. Two of my four children are married with children of their own, my youngest daughter graduates from high school this year and my youngest son decided to stay with his father rather than changing high schools when I moved last year.

This is something that I have been mulling over for awhile. When I did foster care 5 years ago, my youngest children were preteens and their experience with having a foster brother was not good. I had gotten a promotion which required longer hours and as I am a single mother, I made the decision not to take another foster child when my foster son was put back in residential care.

When I saw an ad in the paper for therapeutic foster care, I decided to look into it again. I live in a very rural area and the closest private agency is 2 hours away. I have been driving in to Pride training every week and sometimes twice a week.

The training has been excellent. The trainer spends much time discussing issues and going over scenarios. It has made me realize how inadequate my training was previously. I remember watching a couple of videos at home and doing a couple of hours of classroom training with one other family.

I realize that had I gone through this training then, I would have had a much better understanding of what my foster son was going through. I don’t know that it would have changed the outcome but at the very least I would have been more prepared to deal with his issues.

Over the next few weeks, I am going to have to decide whether I am going to do therapeutic foster care through the agency or whether I am going to work with my local DSS doing traditional foster care. My concerns are with the agency being 2 hours away which does not lend itself to being easily able to support any issues that might arise.

If I work with DSS, I will be working with younger children whose goal will usually be reunification with their families. The agency does some of this but it will usually be working with older children and teens who do not have that option. I have been considering the options over the last two weeks.

I contacted the local DSS and I have had several long discussions with the intake officer there. She is filling in for their foster care coordinator and we have developed a pretty good working relationship. They desperately need local foster families so that the children don’t have to go to residential care right away. The local kids are being moved all over the place which makes visitation with their families difficult at best.

I started this site to examine some of the issues involved with foster care from a personal level as well as to help other parents who might be considering it. I hope that I can provide some insight from a personal level as I work through my own decisions, questions and doubts now and the experience of actually being a foster parent.

My Chosen Children

After having raised my four biological children to adulthood or near adulthood, I have decided to open both my home and my heart to foster children. The name of this site is My Chosen Children to honor them. I did not have much choice in my bio children but we do get to choose our foster children.

Although I have done therapeutic foster care in the past, I am currently retaking the PRIDE training. It is so much more meaningful after having experienced being a foster parent in the past. It is training that I wish all parents went through before having children, perhaps there would be less foster children in the world. My articles are not meant in any way to replace training but rather to enhance it.

Foster care is one of the most challenging and most rewarding life choices that you can make. The children are in foster care through no fault of their own and need loving adults to make a positive impact on their lives.

If you have considered foster care in the past, I encourage you to explore it further. If you do not feel like you are in a position to do so now, there are so many ways that you can help the children without committing to be a foster parent.